I had a dream a few days before my MRI last week (stay with me, I know dream talk can be boring). In it I was six hours late to my MRI because David decided to run a quick errand at my uncle’s farm in rural Virginia before my appointment. I was angry and stressed but the dream ended with me running races and playing bumper cars in the big empty hospital corridors. A friend I wrote said, “that’s your beautiful brain telling you it’s going to be clear.”
My MRI this week was stable! The spot we saw in the last scan is almost gone which means it was leftover irritation from radiation a year ago. Dr. Mammoser said, in people who had radiation as children, they’ve seen similar spots appear up to 40 years later.
I figured out the trick to MRIs: get the first appointment of the day. At 7am, the MRI technicians insert the IVs themselves. They are experts. Before my dawn appointments, I used to dread the IV room because it never failed that the first person to stick me would end up with a bent needle and blood on the floor. The MRI technicians know me and make me comfortable quickly and easily.
I now feel comforted by the machine. Rapid high pitched chirps. Ratatatatatatatatatatata. TAKATAKATAKATAKA. You can pick the music you listen to, which is sweet but also hilarious because half the time you can’t hear the music over the magic magnets. This time, Randy apologized, “It’s going to take a few minutes before I can put the music on, I have to run to my car to get my iPod. The music system only works on Apple products.” I’m thinking, the hospital doesn’t give you something to play the music on?! The minor inconveniences of our health care system never cease to amaze me. I’m no longer surprised.
There was more good news at the appointment. Several weeks ago, I took Optune off to swim, and had a sharp pain near my forehead. The pull of the adhesive had re-opened my scar, resulting in a dime-sized hole that’s still healing. It was scary. I’ve really missed swimming. Dr. Mammoser thinks the danger of wearing Optune outweighs the benefits. It has made me feel human again, not a cancer patient constantly carrying around a heavy backpack like a grumpy middle school student.
Since I last wrote, we went to deserted Horn Island, MS on a windy day with friends. Osprey. A desiccated empty baby turtle shell. Snake tracks in sand. Empty horseshoe crab shells. Armadillo prints.
Walter Anderson famously rowed to the island to paint, even lashing himself to a tree during a hurricane. It was WINDY and sunny the day we went. The choppy bay made the boat thwack-thwack-thwack its way to the island as we all huddled in a bundle.
Music! To console or celebrate. Here, we always need both.
This is such a well written song for long lonely uncertain days.
This next one is NSFW and I LOVE IT. It contains sexual references and language. Read this first if you aren’t sure it’s for you: How Lil Nas X Challenges the Catholic Imagination by the talented Phillip Picardi:
The video has, naturally, stirred a controversy among religious conservatives on Twitter—all of which Lil Nas X has either shot back at or laughed off completely. But I do think there’s a space to talk about the significance of the religious metaphors in the video and what kind of commentary they offer about the Creation Story, Original Sin, and Heaven versus Hell.
Finally, “Todo Cambia”
I know several people going through a really hard time recently (ha, says the brain cancer patient). In a time of relentless bad news pinpricked with hope, it’s beautiful how we each take turns walking beside each other when things seem impossible.
Here is a true story about that exact feeling: Something Large and Wild
Love always. XO
Beautiful, stay strong and positive, I always love to listen to the music you share, and read all of your story. You got this sending you lots of love and hugs...for those beautiful boys too...
Wow the art- I was thinking the same Katie! I feel like there is nothing you can’t do sister. Todo cambia pero el amor sigue a pesar de todo. Xox