A Year Gone

Last week we marked the one-year anniversary of Cassie’s passing. It doesn’t feel like a whole year has gone by. While we always think about her, this month we’ve been revisiting our memories more, looking at photos, telling stories.

In July, we spread some of her ashes at sacred places in her home landscape in southwestern Virginia - at the New River, which flows eventually into the Mississippi, and at the entrance of a cave behind her childhood home, where a stream runs underground into and through the mountain. It felt important to remember her in those places that were so dear to her.

For the one-year anniversary, we attended shabbat services and said the mourner’s kaddish (prayer) as her name was read aloud. We stood with all those marking anniversaries of lost loved ones. This poem, though not part of the service, was in the prayer book, a meditation before the kaddish:

When I die give what’s left of me away
to children and old men that wait to die.
And if you need to cry,
cry for your brother walking the street beside you.
And when you need me, put your arms around anyone
and give them what you need to give me.

I want to leave you something,
something better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I’ve known or loved,
and if you cannot give me away,
at least let me live in your eyes and not in your mind.

You can love me best by letting hands touch hands,
and by letting go of children that need to be free.
Love doesn’t die, people do.
So, when all that’s left of me is love,
give me away.

Amidst the grief, there have been lots of good things about this past year. We skied taller mountains, hit bigger jumps on our bikes, conquered another school year. We got new looks with Benton doubling down on the mullet, Asa cutting his flowing locks short, and my beard seems to be sticking. Benton had a construction job this summer working for his uncle Jarrett, Cassie’s brother. Asa backpacked across mountains and slept under the stars. We hiked to Angel’s Rest, one of the many special outlooks on the Appalachian Trail that Cassie introduced us to, thinking about her as we went out and back, and trying to notice all the little beautiful things she would have pointed out.

This coming year, we plan to honor Cassie’s memory and her artistry with a book of her Substack posts. As we get closer to publishing, we’ll be in touch with details on how you can order a copy.

In the meantime, I’m sharing a wonderful tribute to Cassie from a friend and fellow knitter, Cat Stricklin at Cesium Yarn, who developed a custom colorway in her honor, called Anna Cascade. It’s beautiful, vibrant, and thoughtful, just like Cass. Email info@cessiumyarns if you'd like to order. You can see images of the yarn and a soothing video of the yarn dyeing process below.

Love all y’all through space and time,
David